(and probably is one of the worst beers)

You know that old slogan, “Probably the best beer in the world”? Yeah, Carlsberg used to plaster that everywhere. Probably. What a hedge. Like they weren’t even sure themselves. Well, after digging through the muck of their recent history, I’m here to tell you: they’re probably not. And it’s not just the taste – though, let’s be honest, it’s a bit like drinking watered-down regret. No, it’s the shit they’ve been pulling behind the scenes. Bribery, child labour, tax fraud, financial fuckery, and geopolitical bollocks that’d make your head spin. This isn’t just a beer company; it’s a masterclass in how to screw up on a global scale.

I’ve been around the block a few times – seen the underbelly of kitchens, bars, and breweries from Bangkok to Brooklyn. But Carlsberg? They’ve taken corporate sleaze to a whole new level. Let’s crack open a cold one and dive into the filth, shall we?

India: Bribes, Kids, and a Whole Lot of Bullshit

Picture this: India, 2015. Carlsberg’s trying to muscle its way into the market, but the red tape’s thicker than a Mumbai traffic jam. So, what do they do? They start slipping cash to government officials like it’s fucking Monopoly money. Over 200 secret payments to grease the wheels, get permits, and make sure their beer flows faster than the Ganges. And who’s paying for it? Well, not just the consumers—turns out, kids were involved too.

Yeah, you heard me. Child labour. In 2018, an audit found kids as young as 16 working in their warehouses in Jharkhand. Twenty-four out of 41 workers were under 21, some barely old enough to shave. Carlsberg’s response? They fired the third-party provider and acted shocked. Shocked! Like they didn’t know. Please. You don’t run a multi-billion-dollar operation and not know what’s happening in your supply chain. That’s either incompetence or a lie. Pick your poison.

And it doesn’t stop there. Environmental violations, truck overloading – over 22,000 instances, according to the same audit. They were playing fast and loose with the rules, and when the shit hit the fan, they blamed everyone but themselves. Classic.

Oh, and let’s not forget the antitrust investigation. Carlsberg India’s been accused of price-fixing with rivals, colluding to keep beer prices high. Because why compete when you can conspire, right? The case is still ongoing, but the stench is already wafting.

Malaysia: Tax Fraud with a Side of Denial

Now, let’s hop over to Malaysia. Carlsberg’s got a neat little scam going here: selling beer meant for tax-free East Malaysia in West Malaysia, dodging duties like a drunk dodges responsibility. This wasn’t some low-level grift either – internal documents show the top brass in Copenhagen knew about it. They called it the “U-turn” or “flowback” scheme, and it ran for years, from 2010 to at least 2014.

A whistleblower finally blew the lid off in 2019, but Carlsberg’s response was pure corporate spin: “We escalated concerns since 2013.” Escalated concerns? That’s like saying you’ve been meaning to quit smoking while lighting up another cigarette. They claimed it was a middleman problem, not their fault. Bullshit. When you’re the one brewing the beer, you’re responsible for where it ends up. End of story.

Malawi: Cashgate and the Art of Getting Robbed

In 2015, Carlsberg Malawi got hit with a scandal so big they had to call in the FBI. No joke. Employees were siphoning off cash like it was happy hour – over K5.2 billion Malawian Kwacha, which is about $12 million USD. They were rigging procurement deals, inflating costs, and pocketing the difference. The financial controller and his cronies got suspended, but the damage was done. Carlsberg’s spokesperson admitted it was a “very serious matter,” but let’s be real: this wasn’t just a few bad apples. This was a systemic failure of oversight. You don’t lose $12 million without someone, somewhere, asleep at the wheel.

Russia: Putin’s Beer Heist

And then there’s Russia. Oh, Russia. Carlsberg tried to pull out after the Ukraine invasion – fair play, right? Condemning the war, citing humanitarian concerns, all that jazz. But Putin wasn’t having it. In July 2023, he seized Carlsberg’s stake in Baltika Breweries, their Russian subsidiary, and put it under state control. Carlsberg’s CEO, Jacob Aarup-Andersen, was livid: “They’ve stolen our business.” No shit, Jacob. Welcome to geopolitics.

But it gets messier. Baltika sued Carlsberg for $902 million in damages, and Carlsberg had to write off the entire value of their Russian operations – 9.9 billion Danish crowns, or $1.41 billion USD. By December 2024, they finally sold the assets to local businessmen for $320 million, but not before a shitstorm of legal battles and public spats. It’s like watching two drunks fight over the last pint – ugly, pointless, and everyone loses.

The Rest of the Mess

Carlsberg’s not just tripping over itself in developing markets. Back in 2010, Danish warehouse workers went on strike because the company tried to ban drinking beer at work except during lunch. Imagine that – brewery workers striking for their right to drink on the job. It’s almost poetic.

And in 2019, they launched a marketing campaign admitting their beer was “probably not the best,” sharing tweets from people slagging off the taste. Bold move, but let’s be honest: if your beer’s that bad, maybe fix the recipe instead of leaning into the hate.

The Bottom Line

Carlsberg’s been around since 1847, and they’ve built an empire on hops, barley, and a whole lot of marketing fluff. But behind the glossy ads and the “probably” best beer claims, there’s a company that’s been cutting corners, bending rules, and screwing over the little guy. From bribing officials in India to turning a blind eye to child labour, from tax fraud in Malaysia to getting fleeced in Malawi, and finally, getting their assets jacked by Putin – Carlsberg’s rap sheet reads like a cautionary tale for corporate greed.

Is their beer any good? Hell, I don’t know. But after all this, I’m not sure I’d want to find out. There are better brews out there, made by people who don’t treat the world like their personal playground. So next time you’re reaching for a Carlsberg, maybe think twice. Or better yet, don’t think at all – just grab something else.

Lee Thompson – Founder, The Cummins Accountability project

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