Listen, I’ve traipsed through the back alleys of every corner of the web to find a clean-cut institutional CMI bag holder. Most are Titans of global finance. And let me tell you, JPMorgan Chase & Co. isn’t just a bank – it’s a fucking behemoth, a money-sucking vampire that’s been draining the life out of ordinary folks for decades. I’m not here to blow smoke up their arses; no paid pieces here my friends. This is the ugly truth, served up like mystery street food meat – questionable origins, but goddamn authentic. If you’re the everyday punter wondering why your mortgage is fucked while these bastards yacht around the Med, buckle up. We’re diving into the cesspool of their controversies, scandals that make you want to scream obscenities at your screen. And yeah, I’m outraged, because this shit isn’t abstract – it’s your pension, your home, your air – hell, your children’s air – they’re poisoning for profit.

The Roots of the Rot: How JPMorgan Became Synonymous with Sleaze

Picture this: a bank so massive it controls trillions, yet it can’t keep its hands clean. Since 2000, JPMorgan has racked up over $40 billion in penalties for 283 violations. That’s not a typo – forty fucking billion. We’re talking fraud, manipulation, and ties to the worst humanity has to offer. It all kicked off with the Enron debacle in 2001, where JPMorgan helped those energy crooks disguise loans as trades, inflating their books like a bad Botox job. The result? Enron imploded, wiping out billions in pensions and jobs. JPMorgan coughed up over $2 billion in fines, but did anyone go to jail? Fuck no. It was just the appetiser.

Fast forward to the 2008 financial crisis – the big one that left millions homeless. JPMorgan peddled toxic mortgage-backed securities, knowing they were dodgy as hell. They bundled up subprime loans like yesterday’s rubbish and sold them as gold. When the bubble burst, the world economy tanked, but JPMorgan? They settled for a record $13 billion with the Department of Justice. That’s your taxpayer money bailing out their greed. And don’t get me started on the foreclosures – they wrongly evicted families, including military personnel on active duty. Overcharged soldiers while they were dodging bullets. What kind of soulless pricks do that? Paid $8.5 billion in a multi-bank settlement, plus $27 million for screwing over the troops. Outrageous doesn’t cut it; it’s fucking criminal.

Market Manipulation: Rigging the Game for Fun and Profit

These wankers didn’t stop at mortgages. They manipulated everything from interest rates to precious metals. Take the LIBOR scandal – they colluded to rig the benchmark rate that affects trillions in loans and mortgages. Your car loan, your student debt? Yeah, they jacked it up for kicks. Hundreds of millions in fines globally. Then there’s the foreign exchange rigging in 2014 – fined $662 million for screwing with the $5.3 trillion daily forex market. And the precious metals spoofing from 2008 to 2016: fake orders to manipulate gold and silver prices in tens of thousands of instances. Record $920 million penalty, including criminal fines. They even spoofed U.S. Treasuries – the safest bloody assets on the planet – paying $35 million to the SEC.

Remember the London Whale in 2012? Some trader lost $6.2 billion on risky bets, hidden from regulators. Used depositors’ cash like casino chips. Fined $920 million for shit risk controls. It’s like they treat the economy as their personal playground, and when it breaks, we pick up the tab.

Cosying Up to Criminals: Epstein, Madoff, and the Rest

Now, the really stomach-churning stuff. JPMorgan banked Bernie Madoff for 20 years, ignoring red flags on his $65 billion Ponzi scheme. The biggest fraud ever, ruining lives – Holocaust survivors, charities, you name it. Settled for $2.05 billion. But wait, there’s more: Jeffrey fucking Epstein. They processed over $1 billion in dodgy transactions for that paedophile, despite his convictions. Executives visited his properties, turned a blind eye. Settled for $290 million with victims and $75 million with the U.S. Virgin Islands. How do you sleep at night knowing your bank enabled a sex trafficker?

Then there’s the 1MDB scandal – facilitated illicit transfers in Malaysia’s $4.5 billion embezzlement. Paid $330 million to Malaysia recently. Bribed Chinese officials’ kids for business deals – $264 million settlement. Violated sanctions with Iran, Cuba, Sudan – $88.3 million fine. They’re not just bankers; they’re enablers for dictators and crooks.

Oversight Failures: Because Rules Are for Peasants

Compliance? What a joke. Failed to monitor employee chats on personal devices – $200 million fine. Lost track of billions of trades over nine years – $348 million penalty. Acquired a startup called Frank for $175 million based on fake user numbers – the founder got convicted, CEO called it a “huge mistake.” Rigged municipal bonds, defrauding taxpayers in 30 states – $229 million fine. Stole from schools and hospitals, basically.

And get this: five felony admissions since 2014, more than any other major bank. Yet they operate under deferred prosecution agreements – no real consequences. Fines are just the cost of doing business.

The Cummins Connection: Another Rotten Apple in the Barrel

Speaking of ethical lapses, let’s confirm JPMorgan’s grubby fingers in yet another pie. As of 31 March 2025, JPMorgan Chase & Co. held 937,000 shares in Cummins Inc., valued at $294 million. That’s a hefty stake in a company that’s no stranger to bending rules. Cummins, the engine maker, got slapped with a $1.675 billion penalty in 2024 – the largest under the Clean Air Act – for installing defeat devices on nearly a million pickup trucks. These cheats bypassed emissions tests, pumping out pollutants that choke our air and fuck up the planet. It’s dieselgate all over again, but with Ram trucks. JPMorgan investing here? It’s like they’re building an ecosystem of companies with “alternative ideas” on ethics – profit over people, every time. Why back a polluter? Because money doesn’t care about lungs or laws.

Why This Matters to Us, the Everyday Mugs

You might think, “I’m not in finance, why give a toss?” Because this shit trickles down. Their manipulations hike your bills, their frauds crash economies, their ties to scum enable global misery. JPMorgan isn’t too big to fail – it’s too big to give a fuck. We’ve bailed them out, fined them peanuts relative to profits, and they keep offending. It’s a cycle of greed that’s as old as capitalism itself, but amplified by these corporate Goliaths.

If you’re pissed off – good. Demand better. Boycott, protest, vote for regs that clip their wings. Because until we drag these bastards into the light, they’ll keep feasting in the dark.

Lee Thompson – Founder, The Cummins Accountability Project

Shareholder Spotlight : JPMorgan Chase – The Bank That Eats the World and Shits Out Scandals