On her deathbed, one of the last things Del Boy’s old mum apparently said was, “Derek, whatever you do, don’t make those Cummins articles too long”.
Admittedly, the woman seems to have delivered more dying wishes than Cummins has delivered generators, but we’re going to honour this one.
Because somewhere inside Cummins’ international communications department, somebody appears to have handed the translation contract to Trotters Independent Translators.
A few quid saved, a handshake down the Nag’s Head, and suddenly the world’s largest independent engine manufacturer is communicating with the linguistic sophistication of Derek Trotter ordering dinner in Paris.
Bonjour, monsieur. Mange tout. Lovely jubbly.
Germany: On The Grid, Off The Grid, Cushty!
Cummins’ English Daventry article celebrates a remarkable achievement. The Northamptonshire factory supposedly operated completely independently of the UK electricity grid, drawing power from its adjacent solar installation.
Very impressive. Until Del Boy translated it into German.
The German edition retains a heading celebrating complete grid independence, but the accompanying text says the factory was fully powered by the British electricity grid.
So Daventry is simultaneously connected, disconnected and celebrating its independence from the very thing supplying its electricity.
This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be selling perpetual-motion machines!
Imagine ordering an off-grid Cummins generator from Trotters Independent Power Systems. Del arrives with an extension lead, plugs it into the mains and assures the customer that everything is completely independent.
“Don’t worry, Rodders. The electricity comes from the grid, but the invoice comes from us. You know it makes sense!”
Roy Free: Older Than Trigger’s Broom
The same German article introduces Daventry plant manager Roy Free, who joined Cummins in 1988, aged sixteen.
Unfortunately, Del’s Continental Translation Division has interpreted this to mean Roy began his apprenticeship at the age of 1,988.
He’s older than Trigger’s broom, and somehow he’s still only sixteen.
Trigger’s broom survived seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles. Cummins’ translation department apparently hasn’t managed to replace one dodgy sentence.
Even Uncle Albert would struggle to compete with that sort of longevity.
“During the war, Del…”
“Which one, Albert? The Punic Wars?”
But the historical adventures don’t stop there. Cummins’ German company biography transforms its founding year, 1919, into a claim that the business has operated for 1,919 years.
Apparently, Cummins was already trading in approximately AD 107. Lovely little operation supplying standby generators to Hadrian before he’d even built his wall.
No wonder the engines last so long. They’ve had nearly two thousand years to run them in.
Brazil: Trigger Takes Over Human Resources
Meanwhile, Cummins has introduced its American quality manager Hanifat “Hani” P. to Brazilian readers.
Or has it?
The Portuguese article introduces Lisefat “Lise” P., calls her Lise throughout and then mysteriously produces Ija.
Three names for one employee. All included in the international package.
Even Trigger only managed to call Rodney “Dave”.
The original English article celebrates Hani’s attention to detail, customer relationships and commitment to quality. Unfortunately, Cummins’ Brazilian communications team apparently couldn’t maintain quality control over the woman’s name.
Del would have a perfectly reasonable explanation.
“It’s international business, Rodney. Different names for different markets. We call it diversification. The woman’s practically a multinational corporation!”
And somewhere in the background, Boycie is laughing all the way to the bank.
Trotters Independent Quality Assurance
To be clear, there is no evidence that Cummins actually employed Del Boy, Rodney or Trigger to translate these articles. A shame, really, because the imaginary consultancy would at least offer a plausible explanation.
The real problem is that a global engineering company has published translations that reverse a technical claim, turn dates into ancient history and rename the very employee chosen to represent its quality standards.
Nobody needs to know whether Cummins used automated translation, human translators or a particularly adventurous phrasebook. The errors appear in its own published material.
At a company that celebrates precision engineering, somebody ought to check whether the German factory is connected to the grid before sending the article to Germany.
One might also expect an organisation so enthusiastic about employee accountability to notice when its corporate communications produce a 1,988-year-old apprentice.
But never mind. Publish another inspirational article, collect the salary, attend a meeting about continuous improvement and perhaps secure a promotion for demonstrating such extraordinary international initiative.
Del Boy would certainly approve. He’d sell the same translation package to France, Spain and Italy, then charge extra when the customers asked for their own names back.
This time next year, we’ll be millionaires. Bonsoir, Cummins. Mange tout, Rodney. Lovely jubbly. Oh, and Amaretto and Lucozade for Wendy Miller.
What a bunch of plonkers.
Lee Thompson – Founder, The Cummins Accountability Project