Willy Workhorse read the Horseface Mensroom recruitment ad over Christmas and felt something he hadn’t felt since his last “informal chat” turned into a Record of Conversation. Hope. Not hope for a better life. Hope for a better class of bastard.
The Ad That Spoke To His Soul
It was the tone that did it. Not the words. The vibe.
That boutique promise that says: we are people focused, values led, and absolutely prepared to use your spine as a doorstop if it suits the client.
Willy read between the lines like a man trained by Cummins HR to spot a threat wrapped in a smile.
The Questions Willy Heard Loud And Clear
Willy did not hear “career development”.
He heard:
- Do you have pent up aggression?
- Are you willing to release it upon the disabled?
- Can you type “without prejudice” with one hand while you tighten the noose with the other?
- Do you enjoy asking for medical records like it’s a Christmas bonus?
He did not flinch. He nodded. The ad was speaking his language.
Dennis And The Golden Collar
Of course there was a pilgrimage.
Willy took a little trip to see Dennis to congratulate him on his Golden Collar win. Dennis sat there like a smug compliance mascot, tongue out, tail wagging, rewarded for loyalty and silence.
Willy patted him and whispered: “Teach me your secrets.”
Dennis blinked. He knows all secrets. He is a dog.
The Festive Season Of Internal Conflict
Willy spent Christmas fighting with himself.
One side of him wanted peace. A quiet life. A job where the worst thing that happens is a spreadsheet error.
The other side of him wanted what he knows. Process theatre. Threats in polite language. The sweet taste of a costs warning dressed up as “we draw your attention”.
In the end he chose familiarity. He chose the blade.
Drafting The Application
He updated his CV with honest corporate lies.
- “Resilient under pressure”
Meaning: I can be treated like shit and still reply within 24 hours. - “Experienced in stakeholder management”
Meaning: I can watch executives lie to my face and call it collaboration. - “Comfortable with sensitive matters”
Meaning: I can say “reasonable adjustments” while doing the opposite.
He wrote a cover letter so smooth it could slide under a locked tribunal door.
The Interview He Can Already Taste
Willy can picture it now.
A warm smile. A coffee. A handshake.
Then the questions:
- “Tell us about a time you dealt with a difficult individual.”
Willy: A disabled claimant with the audacity to remember what you did. - “How do you handle conflict?”
Willy: I manufacture it, then call the reaction “conduct”. - “What motivates you?”
Willy: Containment.
Now He Waits
The application is in. The inbox is quiet.
Willy stares at his phone like it owes him money. He refreshes. He refreshes again. He starts drafting the rejection in his head.
Because Willy knows how this works.
Silence is never neutral. Silence is a tactic. Silence is the first lesson.
And Willy is a quick learner.
Knife Edge
Willy does not want to join Horseface Mensroom because he thinks they are better than Cummins.
He wants to join because they look like Cummins with a sharper pen and fewer pretences.
If they call him back, he will walk in smiling.
If they ignore him, he will do what Willy always does.
He will take the silence personally, and he will make it everybody’s problem.
Lee Thompson – Founder, The Cummins Accountability Project