Willy Workhorse Weekly : Horseface Mensroom Application Form Confidentiality and Your Own Personal Health Butler

Article intended as satire

Willy spent Christmas doing what every sane person does after a festive season of goodwill and cholesterol. He read a Horseface Mensroom job ad, got horny for procedure, and decided to apply. He has not stopped smiling since.

A New Year, A New Low

Some people do Dry January. Willy does moral bankruptcy.

After the Dennis incident lodged itself in his brain like a fish bone, Willy did what any loyal little company workhorse would do. He sought professional development. He sought structure. He sought a place where the word “compassion” is treated like a swear word, and “support” is something you invent to supplement applications.

So he opened the Horseface Mensroom application form.

And it opened him right back.

The Innocent Bits

At first it’s all normal. The usual corporate foreplay.

Name: _______________________________________

Address: _____________________________________

Email: _______________________________________

Telephone: ___________________________________

Right to Work: ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ “Define ‘right’”

Notice Period: ________________________________

Why Do You Want To Work Here?
☐ Passion for people
☐ Interest in “robust processes”
☐ Desire to professionally frown at the disabled
☐ Other: ________________________________

Please Describe Your Experience In Employment Law:
☐ “I have read an Acas leaflet once”
☐ “I have a fetish for ‘conduct’ hearings”
☐ “I can weaponise etiquette”
☐ “I can write letters that smell like intimidation”

Willy’s pen hovered. His smile widened. He ticked everything.

Then The Form Gets Personal

Then, halfway down the page, the tone changes.

Not the friendly “we care about wellbeing” bullshit tone. The real tone. The one that sits behind the marketing, licking its teeth.

GP Surgery Details (Applicant To Complete):
Surgery Name: ________________________________
Address: _____________________________________
Telephone: ___________________________________
GP Name (if known): __________________________

Nothing alarming there, right? Just the usual “we’re totally normal” data harvest.

Then you turn the page.

For Office Use Only

A black line. A dead-eyed heading. The smell of cold coffee and warm power.

FOR OFFICE USE ONLY – TO BE COMPLETED BY SAM BUTLER

Not “HR”. Not “Occupational Health”. Not “with consent”.

Sam.

Because Sam doesn’t do consent. Sam does outcomes.

Date GP Contacted (No Consent Required): ______________________

Next Available Appointment: _________________________________

Appointment Lead Time: _____________________________________

If Appointment Is Not Soon Enough, Can We Apply Pressure?
☐ Yes ☐ Obviously ☐ “We’ll call again tomorrow”

Are Any Health Issues Exaggerated?
☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ “All of them if it’s useful”

If “No”, Can We Reframe?
☐ Yes ☐ No

Vulnerable Sore Points: ______________________________________

Can Any Health Issues Be Exploited Should The Need Arise?
☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ “Why else are we asking?”

Preferred Trigger Words:
☐ “Conduct”
☐ “Tone”
☐ “Professionalism”
☐ “Vexatious”
☐ “Scandalous”
☐ “Costs”

Likelihood Of Applicant ‘Overreacting’ If Ignored:
☐ Low ☐ Medium ☐ High ☐ “Guaranteed, just stop replying”

Willy read it like scripture.

You could almost hear the gentle purr of an inbox left unanswered for three weeks.

Costs Readiness

Then comes the bit that tells you who the form is really for.

Not the applicant. Not the truth. Not fairness.

The exit plan.

FINANCIAL EXPOSURE CHECK – FOR OFFICE USE ONLY

Homeowner: ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ “Find out”
Known Savings / Investments: ________________________________
Vehicle(s) Of Value: ________________________________________
Employer / Income Sources: _________________________________
Partner / Household Assets: _________________________________

Has Applicant Disclosed Assets Voluntarily?
☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ “Ask again in a threatening letter”

Costs Application Viability:
☐ Weak ☐ Possible ☐ Strong ☐ “Proceed regardless it frightens them”

Recommended Pressure Points:
☐ Costs threats early
☐ Costs threats often
☐ Costs threats attached to unrelated admin matters
☐ Costs threats when they look tired

Daniel Rubin Sign Off (For Office Use Only)
“I confirm I have checked Sam’s work.”
Signature: ____________________ Date: ____________________

Willy didn’t blink. That’s the part he liked.

Because nothing says “people-focused firm” like a little pre-emptive rummage through someone’s life to see what’s worth taking if they don’t shut up.

Declaration

Right at the end, the form returns to its best imitation of legality.

Declaration (Applicant To Sign):
“I confirm the information provided is accurate to the best of my knowledge.”

Declaration (Butler, Unwritten):
“I confirm I will interpret whatever I want however I want, then act surprised when you finally crack.”

Willy signed with a flourish.

He wrote his name like a man applying for sainthood.

Closing Cut

Horseface Mensroom doesn’t recruit staff. It recruits leverage.

This is not “support”. This is inventory. A form designed to turn a human being into a risk profile, then into a costs target, then into a story about “tone” when they finally stop taking the bait.

Willy calls it due diligence.

Normal people call it something else.

And the saddest part is he’ll still show up to the interview, should he pass the health screening, smiling like a dog that’s been kicked so many times it thinks the boot is a handshake.

Lee Thompson – Founder, The Cummins Accountability Project